"A toddler believes that if you love a person, you stay with that person 100 percent of the time." (Lawrence Balter)
"Whoever coined the term 'terrible twos' never let their child live to be three." (anonymous)
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says "keep away from children."" (Susan Savannah)
"Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your kids." (Sam Levenson)
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television." (Erma Bombeck)
"I drink because you cry." (annonymous)
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." (Erma Bombeck)
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." (Peter Ustino)
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel,so that when you yell, the name will carry." (Bill Cosby)
"I was a really good mom before I had kids." (Trisha Ashworth)
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." (Rita Rudner)
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." (Sam Levenson)
"When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job." (Rosanne Barr)
"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable." (Fran Lebowitz)
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television." (Erma Bombeck)
"I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement." (Tina Fey)
"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head." (Carol Burnett)
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." (Robert Orben)
"A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." (Jerry Seinfeld)
"The parent who could see his boy as he really is, would shake his head and say: 'Willie is no good; I'll sell him.'" (Stephen B. Leacock)
