Your Dog is NOT just like a Baby

In my last few pieces on the Huffington Post Parents I have been chided by a few commenters about my parenting skills.  And, as much as I would love to respond with the three little words "You're an idiot," I try to take the more diplomatic road.   And, in the end someone else always calls out the brainless twat for me, so it's a win-win situation.

Photo courtesy of Little Dictators

A year or so ago, these comments would upset me.  Why don't they get my humor?  Don't they understand sarcasm? Am I not writing clearly?

However, after a few dozen trolls descended on my posts, I have come to secretly love the nasty comments.  First of all, it fuels traffic, something all bloggers appreciate.  Second of all, when people take the time to comment negatively, it means that i have written something provocative; I have produced a piece worth debating. 

That said, there has been a certain persistent troll that thinks she (he?") knows all there is to know about parenting, being a seasoned owner of a cat and a Chihuahua.  Again, I did not need to respond to her comments, since many, many other lucid individuals jumped into the conversation to put her and her absurd comments in place, but she did make me think...  What is the difference between having a baby and owning a dog?

I devised a 10-point checklist for those "parents" of pets to see if the baby/dog comparison truly is accurate:

1. Did you spend twelve excruciating hours in labor to push an eight-pound puppy out of your "girly parts"?
2. Did you suffer from numerous bouts of cracked nipples and mastitis as a result of nursing your pup?
3. Do you spend at least thirty minutes rocking and singing your puppy to sleep?
4. Does your dog wake every two-three hours every night demanding to fed?
5. Does your toddler canine throw massive tantrums in the middle of Target requiring you to abandon your toilet paper run?
6. When the pup began eating solids, did you painstakingly buy, wash, prep, and puree a dozen different vegetables to begin his introduction into the culinary world?
7. Do you and your partner fight over who changed the dog's diaper last? 
8. When you and your partner decide to have a date-night, do you pay someone $20/hour to watch television while the dog is sleeping?
9. When your puppy refuses to take his morning nap, do you spend the following three hours desperately trying to keep him on schedule? 
10. Did your dog’s first year of life require no less than $10,000 in food, gear, and healthcare?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, then yes, your dog is just like a baby.  If not, then I very respectively ask your to please shut the he** up!